Weird Medicine Healthcare for the Rest of Us

October 13th
7pm
We spend the day touring New York, but it’s hard to pay attention to anything because we’re going to go live in a few hours doing something neither PA John nor I have ever really done before. What the hell made us think we could actually do this? I was a stupid pie-in-the-sky idiot who had a dumb idea and now I had to actually go through with it or look like an ass, but I was sure if I did go through with it I’d look like an ass anyway. O&A and R&F had been doing radio shows for almost 20 years, and I knew the fact that they made it look easy was a complete illusion. Most people who do radio only get to the big game after years of practice and trying new stuff and doing it over and over and over again. Ha, it took me weeks to get PA John to even show up for “practice”. Although we weren’t in prime time and it was “just” the Saturday Night Virus, imagining myself being the focal point of the same show that Patrice O’Neal, Bob Kelley, and Bill Burr had done before me stressed me out so much I couldn’t think.

It was 7pm, and time to meet Danny Ross at the studio on West 57th for a pre-show rundown. I had dutifully typed up a format for the show…TOPIC/TOPIC take a couple of phone calls/TOPIC/TOPIC BREAK. Repeat x 2. I had been maniacal about collecting weird medical topics to talk about on the show…we had over 25 and I still wasn’t sure we had enough. I really had no idea how to run a show…Danny was so good at giving us total freedom that I just had to guess at how it was done. Fortunately, when I handed him the rundown it made sense to him so I felt a little better about my show prep. We found the bumper music on the main system (it was all death metal with crazy medically-related names like “testicular manslaughter” and “hammer smashed face”) and I learned that XM is basically a huge repository of .wav files. They had EVERYTHING. Amazing.

Before we left to eat, Danny showed me how to take phone calls. Using Anthony’s mouse was a surreal experience…I am such a sad fanboy. “I’m using Ant’s mouse! I’m sitting in Ant’s chair! I’m right next to Opie’s sound machine! There’s where Ron and Fez sit!” Ugh. Pathetic. Anyway, the phone machine is very cool; a line producer enters the name, location, and subject onto each line on the computer monitor. To talk to someone, click the arrow. To hang up, click another icon. That’s it. That’s it? Crap, I’m going to have to do this in 3 1/2 hours. Everything is left handed and it’s all new and I know I’m going to s#!* the bed.

8PM
When we were at K-Rock, I noticed the restaurant “Nobu” was right next door. I picked a bad time to try out this amazing restaurant. Sure, it may be passe’ now for NYC regulars, but for us it was something we’d never encountered before. Japanese restaurants in our area are either all-sushi (“More CALIFORNIA ROLLS PLEASE!”) or “crazy-guy-cooks-your-meal-in-front-of-you-while-flipping-shrimp-onto-your-plate” kind of places. Nobu is really something so different that it’s difficult to describe. Thankfully, our waiter walked us through the whole menu, then decided to toss it out and just bring us stuff he liked. It would have been incredible if it weren’t for the crushing chest pain and panic attacks I was experiencing.

Around 9:45 we left the restaurant…I couldn’t eat and I knew I’d be hypoglycemic by 11pm. With a 4 year old and a 2 year old at home, the show was starting after my regular bedtime. Adrenaline + low blood sugar was a recipe for disaster. My big hope was that Big Kev’s show would be a mess and we’d look good going on after him. I liked Big Kev but at that very moment I was selfishly praying that his show stunk.

We walked to the studio and we were surprized to see Anthony and Mellinda standing outside the place. “What are you doing here,” I asked. “Big Kev’s show,” Ant replied, “and we may hang out to hear some of yours too.” Inside, I was dismayed to hear Big Kev and his cohorts broadcasting like they’d been doing it forever. I’m a huge geek myself, and his show was very professional. He even had sponsors and was giving away Ipods for chrissakes. “Crap,” I thought to myself, “Big Kev’s show sounds really good. We are going to blow in comparison.” I hadn’t actually been nervous before. I thought I was, but it was nothing compared to the buzzing in my head and the void in my stomach. All I could imagine was the disappointment on Ron Bennington’s face and how my lovely wife would say “you did good, honey” and pat me on the back, meaning it because she loved me, but knowing she was just being nice. Everyone would be very nice, but I’d just be a stupid turd.

Big Kev wrapped up and quickly started packing up. Mellinda said something like “I’m not sure if we’re staying for your show or not,” and I replied “good, because I will be too nervous if Ant’s here anyway.” She got this gleeful look in her eye and ran into the studio where he was and I could hear her say “he’ll be nervous if you’re in here…SO WE’RE STAYING!” Ha, I could only laugh. At that moment I understood that any rules I ever knew had just been tossed out. The universe wasn’t going to make anything easy for us. And besides, it was just a radio show. It wasn’t like taking my medical boards or doing an oral exam or addressing the United Nations…this was a bizarrely insane opportunity to do something very few get to do and I should just have fun with it.

As we sat in our chairs and put on our headphones, we looked back at our wives and gave a little sheepish wave to them. I could see PA John was way more nervous than even I was (think you could have shown up for a few more practice sessions, John?). Danny was in the producer’s chair, Pat Duffy and Erock were in the booth, Ant and Mellinda were in the comfy chairs, and Tacie and Jill were on the couch. I could see the lights glinting off the stripper pole in the middle of the studio. “Thirty Seconds to air!” came blaring through my headphones…”crap, that’s not going to be too distracting…”
It was showtime.

continued in Part Four

11am 10/12/07
We took our obligatory photos with O&A and headed back to the hotel, riding high on the morning’s events.  “We may actually pull this off,” I said at one point to PA John on the walk back.  We were so excited we didn’t realize our hotel was right across the street from the studio…we walked about 4 blocks before figuring out we were a couple of bumbling idiots and hiked back in the right direction.

Our next destination was the COMIX Comedy Club on west 14th.  We were to watch a taping of Ron Bennington’s “Unmasked” with Robert Klein.  Now, I’m a pretty old guy, so I remember Klein when he was young.  He did the very first HBO comedy special and there was a time when no one thought anyone would ever be funnier than Klein.  I was pretty excited about the whole thing.  What could be better than an afternoon with Ron and Fez?

We pulled up and got out of the cab.  We hadn’t been there a minute when Ron Bennington strolled out of the comedy club.  You could feel the awe, love and respect that the fans milling outside had for the man.  I know Ronnie hates for people to say anyone is their “idol”, so I won’t do that, but he is certainly a very strong role model for me.  I’ve been a fan of radio broadcasting my whole life, since I first heard Larry Glick on WBZ on my shortwave radio (and Barney Pipp in Chicago…anyone remember him?)  I’m not sure I’ve ever heard a finer broadcaster than Ron Bennington.  He greeted us warmly and I felt immediately as if I’d known him forever.  I could see from my wife’s eyes that she was in love. 🙂

Fezzie was next; he was as wonderful as I could have imagined.  We talked for a bit and he introduced me to the lovely Deb, AKA Happy Typing Girl and several other R&F fans.  Then Earl emerged, then Lily, then we went inside and met Dave and Pitzy.  It was insane.  Everyone was so kind to us we were fahklempt.

Klein was a little controversial…he bashed a few comics and forgot a few others’ names and Ronnie didn’t have to break a sweat to keep him talking and guide him toward the end of the show.  Afterward, Ronnie got us a copy of his DVD set and he signed it for us.  We really wanted the cast to come out to dinner with us but we were too embarassed to ask so we took off for McSorely’s and drank way too much ale in the middle of the afternoon.

9PM
BAR 9
I’d heard about Bar 9 on R&F, but never could quite imagine what it was like.  It’s an old place, very narrow inside, and goes pretty deep into the building.  It was dark and smelled like old beer and despite the smoking ban, old tobacco seeped from the walls.  It was perfect.  We met Martin, JustJon, MafiaLifeChris, Jeremy G, the delightful Winnie Cooper, Jose from DonRigo cigars (as your doctor, I can’t condone you smoking them, but they make a great investment) and several other fans of the show.  Then Ant and his amazingly interesting girlfriend Mellinda showed up, which was a real surprize.  I always imagined that Anthony would shun such events.  Ronnie and my wife seemed to hit it off pretty well…she was cracking him up with her country aphorisms while he educated her on the status of modern Judaism in the “big city”.  Hanging out with all of these people was an unbelievable experience.  I felt like a little leaguer who’d just been asked to be ball boy for the Cubs.

Martin, Ronnie B, Mikeyboy, and some other guy outside at Bar 9

Hanging over our heads, though, was the fact that we still had to do a show the next night that would be heard in two countries.  Everytime I thought about it, I shuddered.  Tonight I was everyone’s friend…tomorrow I would be a laughingstock.  Well, enjoy it while you can, my friend, enjoy it while you can.

[continued in Part 3]

(A Tale in Four Parts)
The Genesis of “Weird Medicine” on XM Channel 202

October 11, 2007
I’ve been planning WEIRD MEDICINE for months now; it all started when Opie put a call out for “Pest Radio” ideas.  He said there would be space on 202 for ideas from the fans, if only they’d come up with a viable idea.  I wrote Steve Carlesi with my idea for a medical show that would appeal to the 202 listeners.  He liked the idea and passed it on to Danny Ross who eventually got us the green light.  I’m not sure if they knew that I’d never been on the radio before.  We picked a date so far in the future I didn’t have to worry much about it–it seemed an infinitely long time away.  As the weeks passed, I started collecting topics I thought people would be interested in: “Swamp Butt”, vasectomy stuff, vaginal hygeine, beer bloat, genital warts and STDs of all kinds and a host of other things.  I picked my friend P.A. John to be my on-air partner and I figured we’d be spending the whole time talking to each other about the various topics we’d collected.  Little did I know the callers would eventually take over the show, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

The day finally came for us to leave for NYC and we had to admit it was really going to happen and we had no idea if we’d s*$ the bed.  I figured the show would be a mild success or a total train wreck.  At the very least it would be a weekend to remember.
Our plane was delayed 4 hours; we finally got to the hotel at 2am, blowing our plans for a fun night in the city.  The walkover would come all too soon the next day.

OCTOBER 12th, 2007
We walked down to K-ROCK with the intention of waiting around for the walkover.  We got there so early that I asked the guy at the desk to call up and see if we could come up.  The lovely Renee came down to get us and put us in the green room.  We could hear the boys just down the hall and knew we were in the presence of greatness.  At the break, Op, Ant, Jim and Steve C came down to the green room to say hello.  They did another segment and the show was over.  We did the walkover and then the visit got interesting.

9:00am
I’m sitting on the bleachers outside the studio with several other fans.  I figured at best they’d send Danny out with a microphone and we’d get to plug WEIRD MEDICINE once and then have to leave.  Then Op says something like “next we’ll have Doctor Steve on…if you have any medical problems, give us a call and he’ll answer them.”  All of a sudden I’m crapping myself…I’m supposed to go on air with O&A now?  Live?  WTF?

See, I’ve had this weird anxiety nightmare for about three years now…I’m somehow a guest on O&A or Ron and Fez and I don’t know what I’m doing there…Jimmy’s on vacation or Dave’s out of the studio or something like that and they put me in front of a mike and I’m supposed to banter and be funny and…I make an ass out of myself.  It’s the equivalent of the dream where you go to work and forget to put your pants on and you discover it while you’re in the subway and there’s nothing you can do about it but try to cover up your flaccid genitalia with your newspaper…anyway, it’s like that.  All of a sudden, my nightmare is coming true.  At least if I go down, P.A. John will be there and go down with me.

Of course, I walk into the studio when they call me, and I look back to see where John is, and he’s sitting in the bleachers, a dopey look on his face.  I realize at that moment that I am totally and utterly alone.  My heart is pounding.  “Be funny, be funny, be funny” is my internal mantra, but I remember that I have no idea how to do that.  One of the reasons I love the show is that I’m not funny and I really admire people who are.  I sit down.
First I move my chair around and it makes so much noise that the three of them start laughing and move their chairs around too.  It’s not compelling radio, but the sheer idiocy of it calmed me down.  Op’s first words were “so what’s this stupid radio show of yours about?” which made me laugh out loud.  As soon as I opened my mouth, Op starts making fun of my voice.  Allergies are killing me and it’s about a half-octave lower than usual.  A listener likens my voice to that of Adam West and O&A agree.  Remembering an old Adam West story about him hearing Eartha Kitt’s voice recorded in a NY cab, I shouted “CAAATWOOMMMAAAAAN!” and got my first real laugh on national radio.  We chatted for awhile and it was like sitting around bullshitting with friends I’d known forever (at least it was for me).

A guy called in with a medical problem and we got so sidetracked (and I was such a nervous nelly) that I never answered his question.  I watched in amazement as the show progressed, Op running everything, checking instant feedback, scanning the calls, riding mike levels, keeping the conversation going, watching the monitors and a bunch of other stuff.  Jim and Ant’s minds have this total recall for things in the past and an ability to make bizarre associations that are surprizing and amazingly funny.  It was surreal sitting there talking with them, just four pals talking about ear wax and doctor-office hygeine.  At one point Op said “this may be the first time I actually listen to 202 on a Saturday night”…at that point I would have done anything for the boys.  I was overwhelmed.
Well, “anything” proved to be doing a rectal exam on Pat Duffy.  I could tell the poor guy wasn’t thrilled about it, but “for the sake of my health” he consented.  I tried to get out of it by saying I didn’t have any gloves or lube, but of course they had plenty of both.  They called his girlfriend over from K-ROCK to witness this debacle and when she arrived I mouthed the words “I’m sorry” to her silently…she laughed and waved it off; she’d seen worse.

One rectal exam and a testicular exam later (I believe I used the words “delightfully normal testicles” at one point…what a tool!) the show was over.  I’d survived my first radio appearance.  Anthony came up to me afterward and said “you’ve got chops, my friend”.  I felt like a fraud who would soon be found out, but that’s my nature–pure type A, never satisfied with my own performance.  I was totally blown away by how kind the boys were to me.

This was just the beginning of the weekend, however.  It was to become two days of nothing but high points.
[continued in Part 2]