Weird Medicine Healthcare for the Rest of Us

11am 10/12/07
We took our obligatory photos with O&A and headed back to the hotel, riding high on the morning’s events.  “We may actually pull this off,” I said at one point to PA John on the walk back.  We were so excited we didn’t realize our hotel was right across the street from the studio…we walked about 4 blocks before figuring out we were a couple of bumbling idiots and hiked back in the right direction.

Our next destination was the COMIX Comedy Club on west 14th.  We were to watch a taping of Ron Bennington’s “Unmasked” with Robert Klein.  Now, I’m a pretty old guy, so I remember Klein when he was young.  He did the very first HBO comedy special and there was a time when no one thought anyone would ever be funnier than Klein.  I was pretty excited about the whole thing.  What could be better than an afternoon with Ron and Fez?

We pulled up and got out of the cab.  We hadn’t been there a minute when Ron Bennington strolled out of the comedy club.  You could feel the awe, love and respect that the fans milling outside had for the man.  I know Ronnie hates for people to say anyone is their “idol”, so I won’t do that, but he is certainly a very strong role model for me.  I’ve been a fan of radio broadcasting my whole life, since I first heard Larry Glick on WBZ on my shortwave radio (and Barney Pipp in Chicago…anyone remember him?)  I’m not sure I’ve ever heard a finer broadcaster than Ron Bennington.  He greeted us warmly and I felt immediately as if I’d known him forever.  I could see from my wife’s eyes that she was in love. 🙂

Fezzie was next; he was as wonderful as I could have imagined.  We talked for a bit and he introduced me to the lovely Deb, AKA Happy Typing Girl and several other R&F fans.  Then Earl emerged, then Lily, then we went inside and met Dave and Pitzy.  It was insane.  Everyone was so kind to us we were fahklempt.

Klein was a little controversial…he bashed a few comics and forgot a few others’ names and Ronnie didn’t have to break a sweat to keep him talking and guide him toward the end of the show.  Afterward, Ronnie got us a copy of his DVD set and he signed it for us.  We really wanted the cast to come out to dinner with us but we were too embarassed to ask so we took off for McSorely’s and drank way too much ale in the middle of the afternoon.

9PM
BAR 9
I’d heard about Bar 9 on R&F, but never could quite imagine what it was like.  It’s an old place, very narrow inside, and goes pretty deep into the building.  It was dark and smelled like old beer and despite the smoking ban, old tobacco seeped from the walls.  It was perfect.  We met Martin, JustJon, MafiaLifeChris, Jeremy G, the delightful Winnie Cooper, Jose from DonRigo cigars (as your doctor, I can’t condone you smoking them, but they make a great investment) and several other fans of the show.  Then Ant and his amazingly interesting girlfriend Mellinda showed up, which was a real surprize.  I always imagined that Anthony would shun such events.  Ronnie and my wife seemed to hit it off pretty well…she was cracking him up with her country aphorisms while he educated her on the status of modern Judaism in the “big city”.  Hanging out with all of these people was an unbelievable experience.  I felt like a little leaguer who’d just been asked to be ball boy for the Cubs.

Martin, Ronnie B, Mikeyboy, and some other guy outside at Bar 9

Hanging over our heads, though, was the fact that we still had to do a show the next night that would be heard in two countries.  Everytime I thought about it, I shuddered.  Tonight I was everyone’s friend…tomorrow I would be a laughingstock.  Well, enjoy it while you can, my friend, enjoy it while you can.

[continued in Part 3]

(A Tale in Four Parts)
The Genesis of “Weird Medicine” on XM Channel 202

October 11, 2007
I’ve been planning WEIRD MEDICINE for months now; it all started when Opie put a call out for “Pest Radio” ideas.  He said there would be space on 202 for ideas from the fans, if only they’d come up with a viable idea.  I wrote Steve Carlesi with my idea for a medical show that would appeal to the 202 listeners.  He liked the idea and passed it on to Danny Ross who eventually got us the green light.  I’m not sure if they knew that I’d never been on the radio before.  We picked a date so far in the future I didn’t have to worry much about it–it seemed an infinitely long time away.  As the weeks passed, I started collecting topics I thought people would be interested in: “Swamp Butt”, vasectomy stuff, vaginal hygeine, beer bloat, genital warts and STDs of all kinds and a host of other things.  I picked my friend P.A. John to be my on-air partner and I figured we’d be spending the whole time talking to each other about the various topics we’d collected.  Little did I know the callers would eventually take over the show, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

The day finally came for us to leave for NYC and we had to admit it was really going to happen and we had no idea if we’d s*$ the bed.  I figured the show would be a mild success or a total train wreck.  At the very least it would be a weekend to remember.
Our plane was delayed 4 hours; we finally got to the hotel at 2am, blowing our plans for a fun night in the city.  The walkover would come all too soon the next day.

OCTOBER 12th, 2007
We walked down to K-ROCK with the intention of waiting around for the walkover.  We got there so early that I asked the guy at the desk to call up and see if we could come up.  The lovely Renee came down to get us and put us in the green room.  We could hear the boys just down the hall and knew we were in the presence of greatness.  At the break, Op, Ant, Jim and Steve C came down to the green room to say hello.  They did another segment and the show was over.  We did the walkover and then the visit got interesting.

9:00am
I’m sitting on the bleachers outside the studio with several other fans.  I figured at best they’d send Danny out with a microphone and we’d get to plug WEIRD MEDICINE once and then have to leave.  Then Op says something like “next we’ll have Doctor Steve on…if you have any medical problems, give us a call and he’ll answer them.”  All of a sudden I’m crapping myself…I’m supposed to go on air with O&A now?  Live?  WTF?

See, I’ve had this weird anxiety nightmare for about three years now…I’m somehow a guest on O&A or Ron and Fez and I don’t know what I’m doing there…Jimmy’s on vacation or Dave’s out of the studio or something like that and they put me in front of a mike and I’m supposed to banter and be funny and…I make an ass out of myself.  It’s the equivalent of the dream where you go to work and forget to put your pants on and you discover it while you’re in the subway and there’s nothing you can do about it but try to cover up your flaccid genitalia with your newspaper…anyway, it’s like that.  All of a sudden, my nightmare is coming true.  At least if I go down, P.A. John will be there and go down with me.

Of course, I walk into the studio when they call me, and I look back to see where John is, and he’s sitting in the bleachers, a dopey look on his face.  I realize at that moment that I am totally and utterly alone.  My heart is pounding.  “Be funny, be funny, be funny” is my internal mantra, but I remember that I have no idea how to do that.  One of the reasons I love the show is that I’m not funny and I really admire people who are.  I sit down.
First I move my chair around and it makes so much noise that the three of them start laughing and move their chairs around too.  It’s not compelling radio, but the sheer idiocy of it calmed me down.  Op’s first words were “so what’s this stupid radio show of yours about?” which made me laugh out loud.  As soon as I opened my mouth, Op starts making fun of my voice.  Allergies are killing me and it’s about a half-octave lower than usual.  A listener likens my voice to that of Adam West and O&A agree.  Remembering an old Adam West story about him hearing Eartha Kitt’s voice recorded in a NY cab, I shouted “CAAATWOOMMMAAAAAN!” and got my first real laugh on national radio.  We chatted for awhile and it was like sitting around bullshitting with friends I’d known forever (at least it was for me).

A guy called in with a medical problem and we got so sidetracked (and I was such a nervous nelly) that I never answered his question.  I watched in amazement as the show progressed, Op running everything, checking instant feedback, scanning the calls, riding mike levels, keeping the conversation going, watching the monitors and a bunch of other stuff.  Jim and Ant’s minds have this total recall for things in the past and an ability to make bizarre associations that are surprizing and amazingly funny.  It was surreal sitting there talking with them, just four pals talking about ear wax and doctor-office hygeine.  At one point Op said “this may be the first time I actually listen to 202 on a Saturday night”…at that point I would have done anything for the boys.  I was overwhelmed.
Well, “anything” proved to be doing a rectal exam on Pat Duffy.  I could tell the poor guy wasn’t thrilled about it, but “for the sake of my health” he consented.  I tried to get out of it by saying I didn’t have any gloves or lube, but of course they had plenty of both.  They called his girlfriend over from K-ROCK to witness this debacle and when she arrived I mouthed the words “I’m sorry” to her silently…she laughed and waved it off; she’d seen worse.

One rectal exam and a testicular exam later (I believe I used the words “delightfully normal testicles” at one point…what a tool!) the show was over.  I’d survived my first radio appearance.  Anthony came up to me afterward and said “you’ve got chops, my friend”.  I felt like a fraud who would soon be found out, but that’s my nature–pure type A, never satisfied with my own performance.  I was totally blown away by how kind the boys were to me.

This was just the beginning of the weekend, however.  It was to become two days of nothing but high points.
[continued in Part 2]

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your pal,

Steve